Free funny phone messages

(A busy signal.) -- Steven Wright

 

(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

 

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it.

 

The party you dialed is not available. Your call is being diverted to an alternate number. Please stand by... (Ring...) The number you dialed must be dialed by your 0 operator. (Click, beep, dial tone.)

 

[Author: I don't find this one funny. I think it's rude and immature. But this is a canonical list, and some people think it's funny, so here it is:] Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message or call me back later.

 

Hello. All of our operators are busy right now, but if you'll leave your name, telephone number, a brief message, and the time you called, we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you and have a pleasant day. (This can dissuade prank and sales callers who don't know it's really a private line.)

 

Creamed asparagus! BEEP

 

All our answering machines are busy. Please hold. (Pause.) All our answering machines are... (CLICK) This is the answering machine of...

 

(Pick up the phone and say:) This is Chris. I'm not here right now. Leave me a message. BEEP. (Then listen.)

 

This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can.

 

Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

 

I just got a car phone. I'm not here at the moment. Leave me a message and I'll call you when I'm out.

 

This is Jeff, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message.

 

Hi, can I speak to Mark?... Oh, there isn't?... I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.

 

Wrong number? No sweat, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.

 

(Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.

 

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

 

Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

 

You've reached Mike and Nancy's answering machine. They're not home right now. At least, I don't think they are. Hang on. (Voice moves away from recording microphone.) Mike? Nancy? (Voice comes back.) Nope, they're not here, so at the beep...

 

This is Anthony. Leave me a message at the beep. (beep) Whoops, I bet you couldn't hear that. Lemme try again. (Beep) Nuts, once more with feeling...

 

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

 

Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.

 

(And here's a way to befuddle the *callee* rather than the caller: Record someone's answering machine message as you hear it, and then play it back to them as your message to them. Repeat over time until something interesting happens.)

 

(Another way to befuddle the callee; leave a message like this: "Hello. This is a message for, message for, message for, message for," and then hang up.)

Hello! I'm on a four state killing spree! WATTA YA WANT?
(or)
Hi, I'm not home because I've gone on a BLOODY RAMPAGE! When I get home, and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD, I'll be sure to give you a call. If I haven't ALREADY COME OVER, that is. (Coughing loony laughter.)

 

(Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)

 

(Sinister organ music:) Hello, you have reached the Brown residence. You now have two choices. Number one, you may leave a message. (Angelic "Hallelujah!") Or number two, suffer eternal damnation. (Horrid death scream.) You decide.

 

The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS!

 

Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that.

 

Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the time that you called.

 

This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

 

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

 

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

 

Shhh! Don't talk, just listen! Meet me at the corner of Broad and Main and bring the girl. (CLICK)

 

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

 

My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. I'll get back to you pending credit approval.

 

Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone...

Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.

 

(Automatic gunfire, explosions, rockets, jets; agitated voice:) I'm pinned down and can't come to the phone right now, and Bob's handling supporting fire! Leave your name and number, and a message! We'll get back to you as soon... FIRE IN THE HOLE! (BOOM!) We'll get back to you as soon as the air cover napalms the place!

 

(Frantic violin music:) Hello. You have reached 435-3949. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message.

 

(In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

 

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

 

You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

 

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

 

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

 

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

 

I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.

 

Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name...

 

If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your name and number...

 

Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1.

 

Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag exploding.)

 

Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.

 

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

 

We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually.

 

Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my messages. Please leave one.

 

We're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got.

 

(Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag.

 

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
(or)
Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...
(or)
Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

 

Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if...
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
att: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Matt... What are you doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD)
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.
(or)
1: Hi, you've reached Bob and Faisal's room.
2: (Background:) What are you doing?
1: I'm recording an answering machine message.
2: But we're here right now.
1: But we might not be here later.
2: Oh. (To phone:) Leave a message.

This is Fred. We are not... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (Sound of window breaking.) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later.

 

Hello. I can't come to the phone now because -- HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND ON THAT! ...Goddamn... Because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over... (Loud music cuts in:) BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT! ...Over for dinner. After the tone... BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG... MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ...Shit... Leave a message after the tone...

 

(Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":) We're not here now, We're not here now, Don't hang up, Don't hang up, Leave your name and number, Leave your name and number, We'll call back, We'll call back.

 

Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the... Pope. Yeah ithat's it.

(Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries":) Leave a message... Leave a message...

 

(To the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel" with appropriate music:) I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell, and if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP

 

(Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":) You have reached 587-8783. Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up the phone... There's still... Nobody home.")

 

(Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:") "I ain't home, I ain't home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home."

 

(To the tune of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana:) Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here, No one's home,Leave a message, At the tone. Don't feel stupid, Its no big fuss, Leave a message, You can reach us.

 

Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland, Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment, but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress. BEEP

 

(Theme from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" in the background:) You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.

(Play Gregorian chants in the background:) Hello Brother or Sister. You have reached the Cubicals of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are in vespers and thus unable to answer your call, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence and returning your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.

 

(To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a message...

This is the Literacy Self Test Hot line. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".

 

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hot line. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

 

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear ... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's ass, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern...

You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible.

 

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

 

Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

 

(French monologue in the background:) Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".

 

Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. Your gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice day.

 

Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!

 

Sherwood Forest. Which dear do you want?

 

Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.
(or)
Hello, you're caller number nine!

 

Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...

 

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

 

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

 

(Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter":) Hi, you've reached Hell. (Screams in the background.) We're busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at the end of time.

 

You've reached the B&D Hotline. All our operators are tied up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance.

Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

 

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

 

(Militaristic mechanical voice:)
Foxtrot-Lima-Alpha-Sierra-Hotel.
Key-Destruct-Sequence-Now.
This-Terminal-Also-Accepts-Voice-Messages.

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

 

You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-urgent.

 

(In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.

 

Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they dialed long distance.)

 

(Annoying flute music in background:) Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

 

"I'm Morley Safer." "I'm Harry Reasoner." "And I'm Fred." "We're not home; leave a message."

 

This is Walter Cronkite. Bren's not here right now. He's out on a date. The idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his basketball theories and computer knowledge over dinner at Taco Bell should scare the hell out of you. He'll probably be home soon, so leave your name and number and he'll call you back. Deal with it.

 

(Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could.

 

Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

 

Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.

 

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

 

Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.

 

Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

 

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

 

E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.