Free funny phone messages

LMK – let me know
L8 – late
L8R Later
LMHO Laughing My Head Off
LOL Laugh Out Loud
LTM Laughing To Myself
LTNS Long Time No See
LY Love You
LYWAMH Love You With All My Heart

M8 –mate
MOF – matter of fact
MT –empty
MTE – my thoughts exactly
MTF More To Follow
MU Miss You

NAGI – not a good idea
Ne – any
Ne1 – any one
No 1 – no one
nrg - energy
NC No Comment
NN Nothing New
NP No Problem

OK – okay
ONNA - oh no not again
OTT – over the top
O4U Only For You
OIC Oh, I See
OL Old Lady (wife)

 
OM Old Man (husband)
OOSOOM Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind
OTOH On The Other Hand
OTTOMH Off The Top Of My Head

Pls – please
Ppl – people
PTL – praise the lord
PC Private Chat
PCM – please call me
PM Private Message
POAHF Put On A Happy Face

 
QSL Reply
QSO Conversation
QT Cutie

R –are
Re – regarding
RL Real Life
ROTFL Rolling On The Floor Laughing
RTFM Read The Fine Manual
RUOK Are you ok?

Spk – speak
Sry – sorry
SC Stay Cool
SO Significant Other
SWAK Sealed With a Kiss

DAK Dead At Keyboard
DK Don't Know
DLTBBB Don't Let The Bed Bugs Bite
DTRT Do The Right Thing
DWBH Don't Worry Be Happy
DYSWIS Do You See What I See
DUZ – dose
DUZNT –doesn’t

E2EG Ear To Ear Grin
EMSG Email Message
EOD End of Discussion

F2F Face To Face
FUD Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt
FWIW For What It's Worth
FYA For Your Amusement
FYE For Your Entertainment
FYI For Your Information

G2G –go to go
Gf –girlfriend
Gr8 – great
Grr – angry
GA Go Ahead
GAL Get A Life
GF Girl-Friend
GFN Gone For Now
GIGO Garbage In, Garbage Out
GMTA Great Minds Think Alike
GTSY Glad To See You

H2 –how to
HUH - have you heard ?

IK – I know
In4ml –informal
IAC In Any Case
IC I see
ICCL –I couldn’t care less
ILU I Love You
IMHO In My Humble Opinion
IMNSHO In My Not So Humble Opinion
IMO In My Opinion
IMPOV In My Point Of View
IOW In Other Words
IRL In Real Life
IWALU I Will Always Love You

J2LYK Just To Let You Know
JK Just Kidding

KISS – keep it simple stupid
KUTGW – keep up the good work

1dRfi – wonderful
2 - to / too / two
2D To Delete
2G4Y Too Good For You
2dA – today
2moro - tomorrow
2nite – tonight
3dom –freedom
4 - for
4get – forget
4N - foreign
4E Forever
4YEO For Your Eyes Only
IOU1 I Owe You 1

AND –any day now
AFAIR – as far as I recall
ASAP – as soon as possible
AAK Asleep At Keyboard
AFAIK As Far As I Know
AFK Away From Keyboard
ASAP As Soon As Possible
ATM – at the moment 
ATW At The Weekend
AWHFY Are We Having Fun Yet?
AYOR At Your Own Risk

B – be
BB4E Bye Bye Forever
BB – bye –bye
BBB Bye Bye Baby
BBFN Bye Bye For Now
BBL Be Back Later
BBN Bye Bye Now
BBS Be Back Soon
BF Boy-Friend
BG Big Grin
BH Blockhead
BION Believe It Or Not
BRB Be Right Back
BTW By The Way
B4 –before
B4N - bye for now
Bf –boyfriend
BG – big grin
BION - believe it or not
BK –big kiss
BTDT –been there done that
BTW – by the way
By – busy
BWL Bursting With Laughter

C – see / sea
CB Ciao Bella
CM Call Me
CMM Changed My Mind
CU See You
CUL See You Later
CWYL – chat with you later
CUSOON See You Soon
CUT See You Tomorrow

(For Shakespeare lovers only:) So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

 

This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.

 

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.

 

Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine!
Rocky: Again?
Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.) Must have been a wrong number.
Rocky: ere's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.

 

(Recorded during a party:)
HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB Yeah!! We're having a party!! Come on over! Mike's not home right now!! Look out!! Hey what are you doing? Careful it might spill. Was that the phone ringing?

 

(A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film voice he recorded:) Hi, this is Kathy. I'm not myself right now. If you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you when I'm feeling better.

 

These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep And miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep.

I'm gone.

 

(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.

 

This is David. Talk to me.

 

You have reached 555-6238. Why?

 

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

 

You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.

 

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

 

This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. (Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.)

 

(Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:) Don't you ever wonder what life would be like? ...

Bridge, Kirk here.

 

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

 

(Star Trek theme in the background:)
(Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier.
(Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number.
(Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

 

Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

 

(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!

 

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

 

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

 

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

 

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

 

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

OK, one more time... This is our answering machine... This is the message on our answering machine... Any questions?

 

(Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message?

 

Thank you for reaching out to us. Nobody is home now. However, if you leave a message, we'll reach out and touch you.

 

Hi, I am Chevy Chase's answering machine and you're NOT.

 

Hello, this is your local zoo. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower? (The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbor's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants.")

 

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

 

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...

 

This answering machine message is for all you psychics out there... (Long silence...) BEEP

 

Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.

 

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...
(or)
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

 

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.

 

(With strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of Ransheesh. I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly.

 

Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Faisal and Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference.

 

Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren'tready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.

 

(Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.

 

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

 

This is Alan. Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you.

 

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?

 

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

 

I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.

 

(Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back.
(or)
Tim's dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs.

 

Random fact number 10: The first manned mission to Jupiter will be crewed by the Smiths. Random fact number 64: Dairy Queen discovered cold temperature fusion before the bums in Utah. Random fact number 36: Bren's not here and he wants you leave a message. Random fact number 22: Bismarck is the capital of North Dakota.

 

In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH! Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

 

Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.

 

(Drunken voice:) You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!

 

Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.

 

I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.

 

Please press 1 if you'd like to leave a message. Please press 2 if you're one of those people who likes to listen to the outgoing message and then hang up. Please press 3 if you're one of those people who likes to listen to the outgoing message and then hang up but one minute later realize that you might as well leave a message so you call again.  Please press 4 if you're one of those people who likes to listen to the outgoing message and then hang up but one minute later realize that you
might as well leave a message so you call again but then decide you don't really need to leave a message after all so you hang up again.  Please press 5 if you would like to discuss the socio-political-economic ramifications of the Crimean War. (fade off into distant beep)