(A busy signal.) -- Steven Wright
(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.
The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it.
The party you dialed is not available. Your call is being diverted to an alternate number. Please stand by... (Ring...) The number you dialed must be dialed by your 0 operator. (Click, beep, dial tone.)
[Author: I don't find this one funny. I think it's rude and immature. But this is a canonical list, and some people think it's funny, so here it is:] Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message or call me back later.
Hello. All of our operators are busy right now, but if you'll leave your name, telephone number, a brief message, and the time you called, we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you and have a pleasant day. (This can dissuade prank and sales callers who don't know it's really a private line.)
Creamed asparagus! BEEP
All our answering machines are busy. Please hold. (Pause.) All our answering machines are... (CLICK) This is the answering machine of...
(Pick up the phone and say:) This is Chris. I'm not here right now. Leave me a message. BEEP. (Then listen.)
This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can.
Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.
I just got a car phone. I'm not here at the moment. Leave me a message and I'll call you when I'm out.
This is Jeff, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message.
Hi, can I speak to Mark?... Oh, there isn't?... I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.
Wrong number? No sweat, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.
(Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?
You've reached Mike and Nancy's answering machine. They're not home right now. At least, I don't think they are. Hang on. (Voice moves away from recording microphone.) Mike? Nancy? (Voice comes back.) Nope, they're not here, so at the beep...
This is Anthony. Leave me a message at the beep. (beep) Whoops, I bet you couldn't hear that. Lemme try again. (Beep) Nuts, once more with feeling...
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.
(And here's a way to befuddle the *callee* rather than the caller: Record someone's answering machine message as you hear it, and then play it back to them as your message to them. Repeat over time until something interesting happens.)
(Another way to befuddle the callee; leave a message like this: "Hello. This is a message for, message for, message for, message for," and then hang up.)
